Thursday, December 21, 2006

Stuttering jokes

Do you have any funny stuttering jokes? I know humour is very culture dependent. So tell me yours!

I was told this one 30 minutes ago:

Daddy, John said that he has a great-great-great-great-granddad! No, he is only stuttering you fool.


Or how about this one? My dad, master of insensitivity, told this one when I was 10. I was not very happy, but he was obviously oblivious to this fact. Today, I dont care if someone tells a stuttering joke.

The general tells the young soldier how to parachute: "Look it's easy, count until 3 and pull the cord." The soldier nods with the head, gets into the airplane, and jumps... The general and the rest are watching his descent. But, he is getting closer and closer to the ground, but the parachute hasnt opened yet... The general gets nervous, and screams: Pull the damn cord. Of course, the soldier cant hear... And then they watch him land luckily on a haystack... Everyone runs to the haystack and they hear: Ttt--three.

11 comments:

ferramis said...

Hi,

I recently read the following book about stuttering (http://www.casafuturatech.com/Books/NoMiracleCures/) where I found few jokes about stuttering. They are not soo funny, but I wanted to add them to your list.

A stutterer goes away to a two-week intensive speech
therapy course on the East Coast. When he returns, his friends ask how it went.
The stutterer pauses, takes a deep breath, and slowly
says, “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.”
His friends are amazed. “You said that completely
fluently!” they say.
The stutterer says, “Y-y-yeah b-b-but it’s, it’s h-h-hard
t-t-to w-w-work th-that in-t-to a, a c-c-conversation.”

It was his first time at skydiving class, and the young
man was thrilled.
“What you have to do,” said the instructor, “is jump,
count to ten, then pull the ripcord.”
The young man was so excited that he really wasn’t
paying too close attention. He turned to the instructor
and said, “P-p-p-p-pardon m-m-m-me, wh-wh-wh-whwhat
w-w-w-was th-th-th-th-that n-n-n-n-number ag-agagain?”
“Two,” the instructor replied.

An old man on a flight to Rome got talking to the fellow
seated beside him and couldn’t help noticing he had one
heck of a stutter. He was even more astonished when his
new acquaintance told him, with difficulty, that he was
going for an audition as an announcer for Radio Vatican.
“How do you rate your chances?” asked the old man.
“Na, na, na, not too good,” he replied. “They will pa,
pa, probably g, g, give the job job t, t, to some ba,
bloody Catholic!”

Einar said...

Hehe, excellent ones! There are some excellent stuttering jokes out there (and also not so good ones) here are some of my favorites:

Travis goes to the doctor and tells the doctor"I c-c-can't s-s-stop s-s-stuttering".the doctor checks him over and says"the problem is your dick is to big and it's pulling down on your vocal cord and causing you to stutter.the way to fix it is to cut half of it off".Travis says "w-w-whatever it t-t-takes".
Six weeks later Travis goes back to the doctor and says"I don't stutter anymore but my wife and girlfriend left me.i want you to put it back on".the doctor said"F-F-Fuck y-y-you".
----------------------------------
A stutterer returned from a two-week intensive stuttering therapy
program in a distant city. His friends asked how the therapy had gone.

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers," the stutterer said,
completely fluent.

His friends expressed amazement.

"Y-y-y-yes, b-b-b-but it's h-h-hard t-to w-w-work th-that into a
c-c-c-conversation," he said.
-------------------------------
And this one is the best:
THREE MEN WITH A STUTTER

There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman who had been friends from childhood. The reason: They all had a terrible stutter and always felt a lot more at ease in each other's company because of the same affliction. They were all out for a drink one night: Murphy the Irishman, Hamish the Scot, and Tom the Englishman.

Entering the pub, Murphy said to the two other lads,"iiiiiiiitt's mmmmmmyyy rrrrrroooouund."
"Ooooooookkkkkkk," said the two others.
Murphy said to the barman. "pppppppiiinttt ooofff gggggginis,ddddddddddouble wwwwwwisky fffffffor hhhhhamish and a ppppint of bbbbitter."
"Coming right up sir," the barman and the barma puts the three drinks on the counter, Murphy pays for them and the barman says, "cheers!"
Murphy replies, "Chchchcheers!"

The three lads sit down at a table. A real good looking blonde woman was at the bar the same time Murphy was ordering the drinks. She called Jim the barman over and said, "Hey Jim, do all three of those guy's stutter?

"Yeah they have been coming in here for years. They have all tried everything to stop their stuttering: Acupuncture, Hypnotherapy, Pills, Potions, Faith healers, Speech therapy...You name it they have tried it."

"Ar poor blokes, I feel really sorry for them." The girl ordered a martini and sat down at the table with the three stuttering blokes. Intrigued by their stuttering, she felt impelled to listen to their conversation.

"A mmmurphy," said Jim, "ddo you knnow what? Wwwe bbbeen friends all ooour lives and not one of uuuus has hhhad a gggirlfriend or bbben aaasked out. DDDo yoou ttthink ists cccus we sssttutter?"

The young girl without thinking, leaned over the table and said to the blokes, "Yes, I think it's because of your stuttering." The three men could not take their eyes of this stunning girl with her plunging neckline!

Then she said, "I am going to give you a chance for one of you to take me out and have your wicked way with me, on one condition: You must pass my anti-stuttering test. You must say a simple sentence without stuttering. The one who says it without stuttering can take me out tomorrow night. The sentence must incorporate your name and where you live."

Tom says, "I'll ggo ffirst," thinking this is the chance of a lifetime. He really tries not to stutter. He then says, "My name's Tom and I come from Mmmmmmanchester"
"Oh, nearly," she said, "but not quite you stuttering babboon. Your go Hamish."
Hamish, his two hands clenched so tight he is almost breaking his knuckles says, "My name's Hamish and I llllllive in Glasgow."
"Oh, no you will never do."
"Ok, Mmmmmurphy yoooour go," said the two other lads."
Murphy, with both fingers and all toes crossed says, "My name's Murphy and I come from London....."

With this, the blonde woman cannot believe her ears. Being short for time, she plunged into Murphy's hand some paper and said to him, "Ring me on this number tomorrow night." And she scurried out of the pub very briskly. The two lads cannot believe what happened. They asked, "How diiiiiid you do thatttttt Mmmmmurphy?"

He turned to them with his head still tilted back as if he was still in mid-stutter and said, "ddddddddderry."--

Einar said...

Btw, I think humour is a very important part of adopting a self-assured and sovereign attitude towards stuttering. Of course this humour has to be appropriate, general rules can't be given, it's all a matter of personal interpretation I think.

Anybody seen "A Fish called Wanda"? Hillarious movie, absolutely recommended! :-))

Einar said...

Stutterers tend to see their stuttering in a solely negative and self-pittying way. Humour can help to get a alternative perspective and more balanced view. Of course every stutterer remembers the days when he has been the target of mockery (especially in childhood days), which can be very traumatic and lead to this "dead-serious" view of stuttering. Mockery is of course wrong, but there are of course other more appropriate forms of humour. I especially like jokes in which the stereotype of "the dumb stutterer" is inversed and where a stutterer proves to be extra-clever in the end. Intelligent humour could be an excellent way to make stuttering less a taboo and to carry informations about the subject in order to change typical stereotypes in society. Maybe it's about time for someone to produce an intelligent comedy or humourous melodrama (film or theater play) about stuttering?

haze said...

Check out Jaik Campbell, he is a British comedian who stutters. He has themed two or three of his shows around his stuttering and has performed part of his routine at the British Stammering Association conference and at the Edinburgh Fringe festival. I'm
not sure if this weblink is correct but it's along the lines of www.jaikcampbell.co.uk or .com
More info about him and his comedy is on the British stammering Association website: www.stammering.org
love haze x

Anonymous said...

OMG, where did that "Peter Piper" story come from? Because it's ME!!!!! I swear! The only difference is the therapy course. With me, it was my second grade teacher. My parents were taking me to speech therapy, and my teacher, Mrs. Davidson, asked my mother if she would stop taking me to therapy and let her "work" with me instead. Well, her idea of working with me was to teach to say the "Peter Piper" tongue twister, which I learned to do very fluently and can still do to this day. But I still stutter my ass off on everything else.
-- Vicki Schutter

Vickijbs said...

OMG, where did that "Peter Piper" story come from? Because it's ME!!!!! I swear! The only difference is the therapy course. With me, it was my second grade teacher. My parents were taking me to speech therapy, and my teacher, Mrs. Davidson, asked my mother if she would stop taking me to therapy and let her "work" with me instead. Well, her idea of working with me was to teach to say the "Peter Piper" tongue twister, which I learned to do very fluently and can still do to this day. But I still stutter my ass off on everything else.
-- Vicki Schutter

Tom M. said...

A nonstutterer friend told me a joke that I really like:

A bus driver asks a rider "C-C-Can I see your T-T-Ticket P-P-Please", and the man replies "N-N-No P-P-Problem here you G-G-Go".

Next day the same guy rides the bus and the bus driver asks "C-C-Can I see your T-T-Ticket P-P-Please", and the man replies with perfect fluency "No Problem here it is".

The bus driver replies "Aha, so you are fluent after all. So you were just making fun of me yesterday, how rude."

The passenger replies "N-N-No I am a S-S-Stutterer. I was J-J-Just making fun of Th-Th-The fluent people on the bus."

Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU ASSHOLES! Stutters are not something that people can do on purpose (sometimes). I fucking stutter and I find this insuting to people who do stutter. Fuck all of you.

Anonymous said...

Whenever somebody stutters in front of you then say this real fast, "T-t-t-t-today JUNIOR!" It hilarious! :D

Anonymous said...

When I was doing my officer training in the RAF back in 1979/80 we had a guy called Pat Early who stuttered terribly. However, whenever he was on the radio talking he had no stutter whatsoever. We had some hilarious moments when it was his turn to march us around camp. The order 'Halt' is given when the left foot is on the ground. Pat would start with, "C..c..c..COMPANY..." and we'd wait for the next order to halt. And he'd shout: "H..H...H...HALT!" But it wouldn't be on the left foot and some of us in the company would halt when he should have said it and others waited until he finally did manage to say it. So instead of a sharp snapping sound of all the boots stamping at the same time, there would be a series of boots hitting the ground, followed by much laughter. Even our directing staff saw the funny side in the end, and to ensure forces discipline and decorum, ordered Pat to never take the role of company commander.

Martin Killips RAF ret'd